I remember Jungle saying that I do not know the rules of conversation. He did not say I was bad at conversation. He understood that due to me not having friends in school in the beginning for years, I was behind all the other kids, so what all the other kids knew, I had to learn later on, so I had a good excuse. I think I’ve learnt how to be a good conversationalist now. Several people have called me an amazing conversationalist and eccentric too. Even if that’s true like some people say it is, Jungle still says that I don’t know the rules of conversation. Well I am autistic. I see the world in a different way.
I already knew this years ago what I’ll say below, it’s not like it took me over 20 years to know this (in case you have no common sense). But some things you already know become even more apparent as you get older, as it happens so many times it feels unavoidable.
I have noticed that allistic people (people who are not autistic), like the following things in a conversation and their interactions with people.
People say that
“How are you?”
“What are you doing?”
“How was your day?”
“Are you alright?”
“What are your hobbies?”
“How are you feeling today?”
“What are you doing on the weekend?”
“What do you do in your spare time?”
“Do you come here often?”
“Have you been to other places like this?”
“What do you do [as a job]?”
EVERY conversation I have with someone starts with one of those questions 100% of the time, especially if we are not friends. I know they ask this because
- They are trying to find a common ground with me as they do not know me
- They know hardly anything about me, they want to get to know me, so they need to find something about me we can talk about
- They are not good at constructing a conversation
In theory, small talk is good. In practise, small talk is bad. 90% of the time a conversation that starts with small talk is boring, and the person who is leading the conversation has no substance, just the same boring questions repeated ad nauseum it’s so cliche, no chemistry, no fun, no frivolous or intellectual nature.
Here is what happens when I avoid using small talk to start a conversation.
I know what most people say. “Just be yourself. You don’t have to change for anyone. If someone doesn’t like you for the way you are that’s their problem not yours. People will accept you for the way you are. You’ll find the right person/people some day.”
I found a girl online who likes debating, one of her hobbies is debating and she would rather read a book than go to a party and she likes intellectual things, so I made an opener just for her.
I know my Dad says that I always talk to people online and I talk to lots of people online, when I really don’t. I speak to less than 5 people online. Forums and social networks tend to be polarised in the sense that each website attracts a certain type of person, each website attracts a certain extremity of human behaviour.
So if the people on a website are not my type of people, I go elsewhere. What do you do if there is no one around like you? You go somewhere else.
So I don’t use ANY online forums at this current moment in time, except for my own forum.
In a social environment, we see people we don’t know we know nothing about, we see people with an alluring presence, we see people with social proof and we also see our friends.
All the time we are surrounded by people, or creating situations so we are surrounded by people. And in every one of those situations, we always want something off those people. If not all the people, then one or some of the people.
The autistic (especially aspergers) response to such a situation, whatever your objective, is to just walk up to the person you want something from, and then just ask them for what they want, forthright.
- If you want sex with a girl or guy (because any girls reading this will say that they get slut shamed into not being easy or promiscuous), you just walk up to someone and say “You’re really cute. Do you want to have sex with me?”
- If you want to be friends with someone, you just walk up to them and say “Do you want to be my friend?”
- If you want help on your coursework, you just walk up to them and say “Can you help me on my coursework?” (Usually the allistic person will start some small talk first or ask questions about how you’re getting on with the work first)
- If someone is eating food and you want some, and you are not friends with the person, you just ask them if you can have some? You do not consider the boundary that it is their property, because you asked them for their consent.
- If you want to know something about a person, you hardly know them, and you and that person are the only people in the room so nobody else can listen or eavesdrop, even if it is a personal question, you ask them the question anyway. You do not consider the boundary that it is invasive question, because you asked them for their consent and nobody else is around to hear the answer.
The bad game the man is displaying because he lacks experience socialising with women in a social environment (or sexually charged environment), where he answers “why?” with “cuz I’m sad and lonely” and “because I’m a daddy”, excuse that appalling game. That’s not the point of the screenshots. I’m also not saying that the man is stupid. He could be intelligent. I’m also not saying he’s autistic. The word I would use for him is desperate because he’s sad and lonely.
The point I’m trying to make, is that allistic people do not like to be prepositioned in a upfront manner. Allistic people do not like to be prepositioned upfront, they find it rude. However aspergers people (like me) do not find it rude, they find it appropriate (for every context) and good behaviour. I actually think that the allistics who find it rude to be prepositioned upfront are the strange ones.
Blue pillers (blue pill people) and people with aspergers, every time you tell them some assertion about society, and provide a rational argument to back it up, they always say “that’s anecdotal” “that’s based on one/a few person/people” and they always ask “Have you got a source?” and then when you give them a source they either say “That’s from a right wing far right conspiracy fake news propaganda website” or they say that the source is not scientific enough, when your source is valid. When you prove to them that your source is valid through rational argument (particularly the socrates method), finding duplicate sources on left wing websites, and asking them to find a source to prove the opposite, they get triggered and abort the conversation as they got rekt.
I’ve unfortunaltely lost the image I wanted to add here when I wiped out my laptop, as I forgot to add some images or files to my hard drive, before wiping it out.
I do not think that I need to give examples, rational arguments or sources to back up the bullet points above.
The point I’m trying to make, is that allistic people always do a mating dance before any bond forms. Before animals like bees, butterlfies and birds reproduce, they do what is called mating dance to impress the other animal before the mating happens. What I say as an aspie (person with aspergers), is that allistic people always require a mating dance before a person makes a preposition to them, and before any bond forms. So if I want something off someone or if I want to be someone’s friend or sexual partner, I need to do a mating dance with them. The only exception for this is homosexual men.
I have taught myself how to talk in a way that allistic people find interesting and kind. My family don’t know me socially, but I have my own way of talking. Socially my talking is formulated, not natural. I am concurrent, not formulated.
“I am not a natural at social interaction.”
“You don’t understand. I have to learn more than everyone else.”
“Everyone learns how to be socialable. Don’t be silly, it’s not just you.”
Allistic people like you take an interest them, not to use them as a soundboard because you like hearing yourself speak. There’s not much to be said for this.
Allistic people like to be asked questions about their day. Well what sort of questions? The internet has millions of questions on it, and the multitude of questions we should and can ask each other in conversation, I’m sure that they are not properly documented on the internet. I have identified various types of questions that allistic people like to be asked
- Questions about what you are doing or thinking (Keep this to a minimum. Yourself is not a conversation topic.)
- Questions to get them to elaborate on something they already said
- Questions about themselves as a person, to do with what have done before, something they know about, their feelings, something in their life, or about their personality
- Questions that try to provoke an emotional response out of someone, to get a person to open up about their true feelings and be their true selves and reveal about themselves to you
- Questions (invasive question) about personal things like childhood, disability, money (people don’t like to be asked these things unless they are comfortable with you)
- Questions about getting someone’s opinion on something. This can be advice, asking whether someone likes something or their favourite something, or asking them for an opinion on something frivolous to keep the conversation light hearted. Try to avoid questions about religion, politics, society, or the latest tv show or movie that aired on tv or netflix.
- Questions about their day, how they are feeling, and what happened lately in their life or since you last spoke to them Allistic people get annoyed, hurt, and sad if you don’t ask them this!!! And they will NEVER ask you to do it, they want you to do it because you want to do it.
This blog article is titled People Want The Lame Cliches In Conversations. So what is exactly wrong about asking questions?
Allistic people will never understand.
I think that when conversations are in the strict question and answer format, one person asks a question then the other person answers, then the same person asks a question and the other person answers, and so on, and so on, that the conversation becomes boring. I believe that conversations become MORE interesting when they break out of the question and answer format.
“But asking question is how you get to know someone” Jumanne said to me straight after I told him that. As allistic people LOVE asking each other questions, also that, lots of autistic people like talking about themselves or the latest tv shows and movies, also that I do not know anyone with aspergers, it is hard for me to think of an example of breaking out of the Q&A format being more interesting than being in it.
So I suppose I will use myself as an example. I will do that below
While Sheridon was sat down, he was telling the mentor how the teacher was ruining Happy Sheridon Day. “Don’t worry about it” said the court girl.
“But it’s my final day in school. It has to be a good day.”
“You’ve been such a good student in your own special way. Yes you’ve been bad at times. My point is,” said the mentor, “this might be the the last conversation I’ll have with you. Isn’t that scary? That this time next week you’ll be gone?
“He’ll be gone?” asked the shy girl.
“He’s moving school?” asked the earlier girl.
“No I’m not moving school” said Sheridon.
“Where will you be?” asked the shy girl.
Five watched as Sheridon started looking out the window.
“He doesn’t want to talk about it” said the court girl.
“I remember when I was in Year 7 and I had this friend” said the distant girl. “I was having a good time with her at lunch time, chatting and buying sweets. Then the next day, she was gone, turns out she died from carbon monoxide. I never saw her again.”
“I feel for you” replied Sheridon.
“It’s just like,” continued the distant girl, “one minute you’re there, the next minute you’re not. I never lived my day like it was my last, I just messed about and acted immature and stupid. What was the- I just wish I knew she was going to die that day so I could have been prepared. What’s the point? I just wish I knew.”
“Is there a point of knowing?” asked the mentor.
“Would you have done anything different if you had known?”
“So what is the point?”
The distant girl paused to think, “I don’t know.”
“I call it,” announced Sheridon, “The Uncertainty Of Life. The uncertainty that you could live tomorrow. You could get hit by a bus. The uncertainty that I might not be in school on Monday. I could walk out that door, and end up in a parallel universe. Who knows?”, he gestured the door he came from.
“So you’re leaving school?” asked the earlier girl again.
“He’s not leaving school” said the shy girl. “Something uncertain and bad might happen now between now and Monday. I wonder what it is.”
“It’s the uncertainty of liiifffeee!” said the distant girl rudely to Sheridon mad at the fact that he insensitively changed the subject. Sheridon. Sheridon got so upset, people thought he was angry. He looked like he’d just walked through the door, and a bucket fell on his head, and his clothes were wet. Only the mentor and the court girl knew why he was upset. Sheridon looked at his only nearby friend, the court girl for acceptance, and all he got was a frown. What is he doing in this room? And why can’t he enjoy himself?
“What’s wrong?” asked the earlier girl.
“Don’t speak” said the court girl.
The distant looked like she didn’t care whether he spoke or not. “Are you having a nice day?” asked the earlier girl.
“Yes I am thank you very much” replied Sheridon.
“So what are you doing for Happy Sheridon Day?” asked the court girl.
“I’m sure Debra could un-ground me for my troubles. Maybe I could go to your house.”
“Yeah I would I mean that would be good” replied the court girl.
The shy girl looked jealous.
“Or?” said Sheridon with a light bulb above his head, “I could not go, and go somewhere else instead.”
“To another girl’s house.”
“It don’t bother me. You could go to a million girl’s houses and it’ll be just like your own house. Nothing’s going to happen.”
“But I could go to yours.”
“If you want.”
“Or I might not.”
“Have you been drinking?” interrupted the mentor.
“You will be” said the court girl,
“I meant Sheridon not you.”
“I was about to say” said the mentor.
“How do you know I’ll be drinking? You’re not God.”
“It’s not how do I know, It’s how can you not know.”
“And besides” said the court girl, “drink is for partying and conversation.”
“Conversation?” asked the mentor confused by this terminology.
Sheridon argued, “Are you saying I can’t have conversation, like chat up a girl, without approaching drink first?”
“No. I’m saying that girls will have a conversation with you after approaching drink.” The girl covered her mouth realising her rephrase was bad.
Sheridon too his mobile out, “Do you even think about what you say? You just called me ugly. 079 4389 Lemme consult drink, see what she says, oh no. There’s a fit girl right there. I’m looking to draw dat ting right now. Have you got any lines for girls who I know who are giving me the come on signs, waiting for me to make the first move? Wait let me just- I forgot to mention she thinks I’m dependant, and she’s arguing me on Happy Sheridon Day.”
“Stop being mean to him” lied the court girl. “It’s not nice.”
“What she said” replied Sheridon.
“Have you been drinking? You seem— elevated” said the mentor.
“He’s a lunatic” said the distant girl. “He’s so happy for no bloody reason.”
“I’m happy, because everyone is wishing me a Happy Sheridon Day. And love, not money, is the best gift of all.”
“Look at him, he’s acting weird.” said the distant girl who wanted him to leave.
“This is a defence mechanism because one of you four girls said something bad to him on Happy Sheridon Day” said the mentor.
“It wasn’t me” said the distant girl covering up her not caring attitude.
“He’s going through a difficult time at the moment, and this is probably his last day at school, so he would apppreciate it if you did not say anything bad to him, not even a negative.” Sheridon nodded his head. The court girl did not like the words did not rather than do not.
“S-U-G-2-S-D” said the distant girl. “Suck Up Good 2 Sheridon Day.”
“So are you coming to my house then?” asked the court girl.
“Yes I am” replied Sheridon back to normal.
“Why can’t you come to my house?” asked the earlier girl.
“Because he asked me first!” replied the court girl.
“He’s a big man. He can speak for himself. Sheridon? What do you say?”
Sheridon paused and said nothing to be tactful. “Sheridon Thompson cannot answer your query. But I know someone who can.”
“He’s doing it again” said the distant girl.
“It’s deliberate this time” said the mentor.
“This bottle of beers says to use the best kinds of hops, wheat, oats and grain for the best taste. And it says it’s brewed for a better taste.” He was holding a bottle of coke.
“All beers are brewed to taste you dimwit” said the distant girl.
“You didn’t answer my question” moaned the earlier girl.
The court girl replied “He just did. He says I’m better brewed, and better made. Plus I’ve got the best ingredients.”
Sheridon looked at the court girl upset at how she twisted his words.
“Where are you going? Will we ever see you again?” asked the shy girl. “Where I’m going, I cannot visit you.”
“Will you ever be back?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“S-U-G-2-S-D” repeated the distant girl.
“Oh yeah. You said” the shy girl was looking at the court girl “that if Sheridon went to a million girl’s houses, nothing would happen, why is that?”
“How should I know?” replied the court girl.
The earlier, shy and distant girl, all sat by each other, looked at Sheridon, started smiling and said aaah! They had a girly smile that only girls do.
“Aaah! Sheridon’s got a girlfriend!” they said in sync.
“Who is it?” asked the earlier girl.
“Is she prettier than Michelle” asked the shy girl.
“Does she go this school?”
“She does. How long have you been going out with Tracy.”
Sheridon spoke “Why are the people who want to get in my life bad, and the people who I want to be in my life, but are, not so good?” The distant girl continued, “I don’t think you’ve got a girlfriend. I just think that’s a lie you made up.”
“I didn’t make up anything of the sort.” “What are you doing?” asked Sheridon.
“We’re putting our numbers into your phone” explained the earlier girl.
“Couldn’t you of asked me?” Everyone except the court girl wondered why Sheridon would make such a comment. Usually he would be happy for girls to give him their number.
“We could have;” explained the earlier girl, “but you were going to get our numbers anyway.” Two girls gave him their number. The shy girl gave him his phone back and touched his hand.
“Will you keep in touch?” asked the shy girl.
“If you meant that, then no. If you meant this, then yes.” Sheridon held his phone up and shook it to illustrate exactly what this meant.
The mentor was realising some more why Sheridon was so likeable as a person. The mentor was laughing.
“You should come down here everyday” the tutor said.
“So should I” added the earlier girl.
“And me” added the shy girl.
“This is my rom, for mentoring, not for courting.”
“That reminds me” added Sheridon, “I would like to talk to you about my mother Debra.”
“I get the feeling, that whenever I’m around my mother, no matter how much she insults or criticises me that she-“
“Don’t talk about your mother on Happy Sheridon Day” said the earlier girl.
“You’ve got plenty of time to do that on Monday.”
“She’s got a point” added the mentor, “though you’re free to continue your discussion on Debra any time you wish.”
“Oh my God” sighed the distant girl knowing more advances were to come. “Live every day like it is your last” agreed the court girl.
“That reminds me” said the earlier girl, “are you going anywhere on Saturday.”
“Yes I’m free on Saturday.” The shy girl looked jealous.
“Are you free on Sunday?” asked the shy girl.
“I’m free on Sunday as well.”
“Are you free on Friday?” asked the court girl.
“No.” “So what are you doing with your life?” asked the earlier girl.
Sheridon knew that when a girl asked him what he was doing with his life, rather than how his life was, or if he was alright, that the girl meant more than simply so how are you doing with your life? Nine times out of ten, it meant that the girl was showing him that she was interested.
“Nothing much” said Sheridon.
The girl wondered how the court girl knew so much Sheridon. She talked the least and knew the most. What bond they had, she wanted it.
The earlier and shy girl was envious. This is where the court girl started to feel a bad vibe.
The earlier girl continued to chat him up.
“I’m not doing anything much in my life either.”
“I’m grounded. I can’t go to that place. I can’t meet people or do my job. She’s made me lose my income.”
“I’ve got that too. I was working in dry wear and I lost my job for no reason at all.” “Dry wear’s good. Have you seen my dry wear jeans? How did you get sacked?”
“I was working, and I lost ten pounds, outside, I was scared so I phoned my mum and she wired me the ten pounds, I walked back into work and got sacked as I gave them a new ten pound note and they gave me an old ten pound note.”
“That is the worst sacking I’ve ever heard.”
“I know. I didn’t even know about it until I got into work at eight-fifty, and the manager’s like, no no no, what are you doing walking in here so fast, take out your phone, you’ve got a job to do, so I take out my phone, there’s one unread text, and I read it and it’s the manager telling me I’m sacked come into work next week and pick up a E45 slip, smiley face.”
“You should report him.”
“What’s the point? He already overpaid me so if I report him, he’ll want that back.”
“That’s just harsh.”
“I know, and I liked that job as well. It was the only job I ever had. How about you?”
“I do a top secret job that no-one’s allowed to know about.”
“Yes I really do. I’m sure you’ve added me right. I’ve got balloons and you don’t as I work there.”
“You’ve got to get me some balloons.”
“I’ll see. But it’s not company policy.”
“I always wondered how you got balloons. You work there? At NectarFace?”
“I don’t work there work there. I don’t work in the office. I do street work.”
“So I guess you’re loaded.”
“Yes I’m loaded, because I’m doing street work. Remember that time when you was on the bus and you saw me? That’s because I had fifty pound on me and no change.”
“You see I do a lot of things. You know the richest man in the world? What’s his name?” The girl mentioned it. “When you see a fifty pound note on the floor, and you pick it up, by the time you bend down and pick that fifty pound up, he’s already earnt that fifty pounds. I’m like that but different. By the time you get out of bed, get ready, put on make-up and get out the house, I’ve already earnt that readiness. By the time you laugh and joke with your friends at lunch, I’ve already earnt that laugh and joke, but more.”
“It sounds like your life’s one big adventure.”
“It is. I pick my own hours. At work, they’ve asked me to do work on a Saturday. I can’t say what time they asked me to do it, but it was weeks ago.” Now the girl got him talking, she wanted to go more deep.
“What do you like about yourself?”
“Oh I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me.”
“I’m being serious.”
“I like it that I’m articulate. I use a lot of big words like insolence, but that in no means means I’m smart. It just means I like to look smart.”
“So that’s what you like about yourself?”
“Yes. And that I’m a very understanding person. I don’t get it. How can people appreciate nature but not each other? This world that we live in.”
“Do you appreciate me?” the girl was looking sultry.
“Yes.” The girl took this answer as genuine.
“What do you like about the people on this day.”
“They let me know I’m special, they’re kind, they listen to everything I have to say, no matter how dumb it is; but most of all, they’re fun, flirty, daring and difficult.” “What gifts did you get for Happy Sheridon Day? I heard you’ve got gifts.”
Sheridon showed and talked about his gifts.
“If you see me after school, I’ll give you a gift.” Sheridon did not like the way that sounded.
“You seem like a clever person. I’ve got a problem. What do you do, if you want to go somewhere, and the only way to go is to tell the person you hate that you want to cancel their outing who you know is going to guilt trip you into saying yes anyway.”
Sheridon looked at the court girl, then the mentor, then the distant girl. His head moved in an anti-clockwise direction. Everyone could tell he had no problems.
“Why are we sitting here talking about your problems? Today’s meant to be about my problems and my issues. Not your emotions and your desires. I’m going to go somewhere where people care about what I say and what I think. I’m going to get my sisters out their lesson.”
Above is a conversation that I made up in my head and wrote down in a story I wrote. I did not copy and paste events from my life or observations to write that down for my story. All the girls in the room are chatting up Sheridon except for the distant girl, and if you notice, Sheridon is not asking any questions. Sheridon is the most interesting person in the room, and he breaks out of the question and answer format of conversation.
Unfortunately I don’t have any good examples of me not asking questions making me more interesting than the other person who’se asking me questions because
- I don’t talk to much people online now or in the past to have lots of examples
- A lot of the conversations online in text chat that went well, the other person was asking me lots of questions grilling me, so it’s hard for me to ask them questions in return as they don’t give me a chance
- When I talk to people (online and afk), I do not have the same tone and topics for every person. In fact I have different tone and topics for every person. Also there are a lot of subtitlties I intentionally use in my tone and message, so if I don’t explain it to you, you won’t know what I’m doing. A lot of the conversations I’ve had online, what makes the conversation interesting is esoteric and tailored to the person I’m talking to, so the way I talk to them with my topics and tone, it wouldn’t work with someoen else or the majority of people, so I wouldn’t talk that way to someone else. People say I’m an amazing conversationalist and that I’m charming, so there’s that.
Also I converse differently in voice chat than I do in text chat. I ALWAYS ask questions in voice chat. I conduct those differently in lots of ways.
But as I’m an autistic/aspie (to be more specific, aspie) living in an allistic world, I am FORCED to ask people questions and I mean questions from the different types of questions in my bullet points. As I want to make friends, be popular, maintain long term relationships with people (friends), and not be accused of neglect, I do ask the people I speak to questions, sometimes, just not as much as other people do, but I do do it, just to make them happy.
Verbal Affection (this includes compliments)
This goes back into the previous point about questions. Allistic people
like to know that you care about them. But how aspies like to be shown
that their friends care about them, and how allistics like to be show
how their friends care about them – is two completely different things. I
can summarise the different attitudes between the two in two
- Allistics use compliments and other verbal affection such as pet names and “x” and “o” to show that they care about another person and to make them feel good. Just remember how monkeys who care about each other groom each other.
- Aspies have a symptom of forming strong attachments to people VERY easily, so once they like someone, they are all up in their grills (personal business and space) all day every day. What verbal affection does an aspie do to their friends all day every day? An aspie’s idea of verbal affection, is to be the best version of themselves in thought, action and kindness. Everything they do and say is to be the best person and best provocateur, not for themselves but the other person’s sake. What is an aspie’s idea of kindness? To be submissive and dosile*.
*submissive and dosile have different meanings. Submissive means to submit to someone’s will and do virtually anything they say. Dosile is a different type of submissive, that means someone who accepts whatever they are given, doesn’t question authority so they are a sheep, follows instructions from people in general (blindly or not), is suggestible (easy to manipulate) and is not assertive (to ask for what they want) – kinda like a pushover.
So why do I avoid using verbal affection like compliments, pet names and “x” and “o”, and whatever else these allistics do?
Well if everyone else is complimenting each other and calling each other pet names and hugging each other, just because everyone else is doing it, then it becomes meaningless.
“It’s not meaningless” Jungle told me at age 20.
“Of course it is! If the only reason you’re doing something is because everyone else is doing it, so if you don’t do it then you don’t fit in and you’re the odd one out, then that means that if you do it, what you did has no real meaning or sentiment behind it, because you only did it because you feel pressured to because if you don’t, your friends will be saddended and distraught by you.” (upset isn’t the right word)
Jungle looked at me with a look that showed “Did he really say that? How do I explain it to him.”
He gave some dumb rationale for it that was so stupid it didn’t register in my brain as it made absolutely no sense I couldn’t see any trace of sense in it. So I replied.
“So everyone just does it because everyone else does it so they feel they have to do it, and when you do it, other people feel happy when they shouldn’t feel happy. Why should people feel happyabout something that people only did because everyone else did it? If everyone does something because it’s a social norm then it loses its value. It doesn’t mean anything any more”
He explained from his perspective, but I didn’t see his point and I didn’t agree with him and he didn’t agree woth me. I then told him that if I complimented someone every day or every time I saw them or when I’ve only just met them, they would see that as creepy or maybe rude, so how can they get upset if I don’t compliment them or use verbal affection, if if I did it as much as I want to do it (all the bloody time), they wouldn’t like me doing it?
He didn’t even respond to that argument. He just moved onto the next topic.
Allistics value reciprocity VERY much and they get really hurt emotionally if they don’t get it.
- If an allistic person does or says something to an autistic person, and they are friends, then they get really hurt if they don’t get the same thing back or something of the same equivalence
- A conversation must have give and take rather than be talking about themselves, a monologue or catharsis. When someone takes something from the other person (this includes ideas, topics, affection and sentiment), they expect the same type of thing back.
Why don’t aspies exhibit reciprocity in a conversation? I can’t give a clear cut answer that applies to most of the conversations, and I can’t speak for most autistic people, but all I can say is that when I am in a conversation with someone, what I think is happening is often not really happening. And by that, I mean the tone, intentions, signals, risks and perceived wavering interest. Dad says that he read things in my diary (with my permission) where I said certain things happen that did not happen. Not that I put in false events, but the way I perceived what was going on was misconstrued. I wouldn’ sayu that was all solipsism, but also a different lens. It’s not always about having no lens with closed eyes.
I’ll just say that the way I interpret the conversation reading inbetween the lines (not at face value), is differen ttoo how everyone else interprets it, so based on the context of the situation and what is happening in that situation, I have my own reason for why I do what I do. It’s not a case of me not knowing to be reciprocal or forgetting to do it when lost in the moment. It just depends on the context.
I also can say that I have a paranoid personality and have a hard time trusting people, so why should I be reciprocal to people to people I kdon’t know, if they can hurt me and often do?
“But you have to get to know someone to know if you can trust them? And a way to get to know someone is to be open with them, listen, be kind, and be reciprocal.” Jungle told me last year or the year before that.
“You’re not seeing it the way I’m seeing it. When I converse with people, lots of things are going on that I think is happening that you don’t lknow I know is happening, and I can’t tell you what those things are, as it changes all thje time in a conversation and is different in every conversation.”
“I can’t understand something you can’t explain.”
“It’s not my fault it keeps on changing.”
There are two parts to this.
- Sharing in someone else’s emotions, feeling what they feel
- Providing the correct response when someone around you or your friend is sad about something or happy about something
I know one thing. When a man goes to someone with a problem, it’s because they want a solution. When a woman goes to someone with a problem, it’s because they want that person to make them feel better.
I don’t think there’s much to say to this as it’s not really a complex concept. I will explain why this heading is lame in my next heading.
Locking someone down
Someone wanted relationship advice to get their partner to treat them better or treat them in a certain way as they felt that they weren’t getting their emotional needs met. According to the NSPCC, not meeting a person’s emotional needs is neglect. However the website does not state what percentage of needs need to be met, whether only important needs need to be met, how many hours of the day should be spent on emotional labour, and whether only needs that promote nurturing needs to be met. Well considering that they are called emotional NEEDS rather than requiremnts or want, then ALL of these needs need to be met within reason.
How am I meant to know what all these needs are?
I was derailing the topic. What I was trying to say, is that to give the woman advice, I said the following
“A relationship should be about how much the other person cares about you and what you do for them, not how much you care about them and what they do for you.”
The woman responded that a relationship should be about how much she cares for the other person and what they do for her. I then asked her why she would adopt a philosophy that would only make her more sad in life, as it has higher expectations. Her response is that she wanted to be in a monogamous committed relationship with her man, so if the relationship worked my way round, he wouldn’t dedicate his entire life to just one person (her), so he would cheat.”
I can’t have her making the type of people like me look bad on an internet forum, so I refuted her argument by saying she was a take take take person and not a give give give person and she replied with her response and I did not reply back as there was no point arguing.
I have been friends with women who were married or in monogamous relationships cohabiting, and 100% of the time, they wanted me to care (in an allistic way) about them in the upmost intensity (move the focus of the conversation onto them, be curious about them, give them small talk, ask them questions, do a mating dance and give them verbal affection) (I think that perverts desecrated men giving physical affection to women (unless you live in france) ). However the polyamorous people have an autistic personality, they don’t require those 5 things off people and I have the common sense or social intelligence that doing those 5 things to them would have a negative effect (and maybe turn them off). I don’t have to test it out. I just know. I’ve got the rationale for that in my head.
Now that I think about it, I HAVE to enter the poly community. Their personality is similar to my personalioty, based on my previous interactions with polyamorous people.
I know that allistic people say that rlationships are not like friendships, and they disagree when I say that every conversation has a sexual element to it (I have not given my reasoning for why yet), but the same things one must do to maintain a relationship, one must also do in a friendship, and all behaviour stems from sexual behaviour so if you change how men and women behave sexually in the dating pool, all opther behaviours will change (I might explain why in later article). Most allistic people are monogamous, and we can get into the argument of whether monogamy is natural or invented by men thousands of years ago somewhere else, but friendships with allistic people (who tend to be monogamous), or monogamous people (who tend to be allistic), they want the same trappings of a committed monogamous relationship, just without the sex and holding hands and going on dates, ahem, trips outside without being alone outside. To get the opposite, like I do to meet my sort of people who are fun and we’ll be compatible with each other, I have to join the poly community.
Oh I have to answer why the virtual locking someone down in a friendship is lame. It’s lame because friends were designed to be free. Women want male friends to accomodate for their emotional needs while they have a boyfriend or plate (casual sex partner) to meet their primal bad boy needs like the men in Twilight. Alpha fucks and beta bucks. Have sex with the bad boy dark triad man and be friens with the nice guy so they get two relationships at the same time, but he doesn’t know know he’s being used in that way.
I don’t see why I should have to give women all the trappings of a relationship while not being in a relationship with them. The monogamous woman disagreed with my below belief.
“A relationship should be about how much the other person cares about you and what you do for them, not how much you care about them and what they do for you.”
And she changed it to.
“A relationship should not be about how much the other person cares about you and what you do for them, it should be about how much you care about them and what they do for you.”
What women (and men do now they’re being feminised), when I talk to them as friends, is change the above to this.
“A friendship should not be about how much the other person cares about you and what you do for them, it should be about how much you care about them and what they do for you.”
Not only do they want to treat them as if I was in a relationship with them while I’m in a friendship with them, but if the woman is correct that my philosophy is bad for monogamous relationships, why do people who want to be my friend, want me to follow the philosophy she says is designed for monogamous relationships? And when I say she’s a take take take person instead of a give give give person, she disagrees with me.
When I have had friends where I’ve given more than I took, but then people will think I don’t know how to recognise what a friend is because I’m autistic and say they were using me, when I was appreciated, they did things for me on my request, and they didn’t waste my time.
(Monogamous) Women. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them!
Allistic people. I’ve become so normalised to their behaviour that it really seems normal to me and I’ve learnt how to properly interact around them. But now I think about it properly, I find allistic people confusing sometimes. I can understand from ther perspective but they have a bizzarre perspective