Hollow Shell Part 1 and 2

girl walking alone

Part 1

I'll polish this up in July

I like to avoid responsibility because I feel that I’ve been living my entire life for other people and not once do people work for me, not as in do something for me as in care, but as in working for me. I hated school as I got bullied, my experience with friends in sixth form was short lived, and if you’d read my blog, you would see that I’ve never had any purpose or direction in my life. You could say that being in education provides a direction and purpose in your life, but when you’ve experienced 18 months of your life looking for a job and you get nowhere, you start to become disenfranchised and disillusioned with life.

There are certain rules you’re supposed to follow in life, and some of them make sense and some of them don’t. Some of the rules are devoid of logic, will throw you off all logic once followed, and some of these rules are arbitrary, they don’t really make sense to follow from the perspective of anyone’s welfare.

One thing I said when one of the doctors was in the house with my mother is that everything I try to do fails, and one of them asked what do you mean. The man used me being in university as me doing something that worked, but I see university as an investment that doesn’t guarantee anything, nothing is promised to me by me being there.

Some examples is the education system. For whatever reason, unemployment is high as immigration has caused England to be the most densely populated country in Europe when 30 or 40 years ago you could get a job guaranteed in 1 day or 1 week, and you can no longer use school qualifications to assure a high paid job like a teacher, as qualifications get more worthless as more people have them especially with the increased population. Pursuing an education will throw you off logic. My brother with a degree has minimum wage and for some reason he’s borrowing money 4 days after he’s been paid. Getting a girlfriend is another one of those. I’ve seen ugly fat women get hundreds of suitors, yet the attractive man gets rejected 99% online and remains single so women can excercise their hypergamy. Getting a girlfriend will throw you off logic. Making friends is another one of those things.

I’ve experienced people who didn’t want to be friends with me any longer because I wasn’t the same race as then so they cut ties after a couple of weeks, and they’ll stay with friends they don’t like. Like now I’m retaking three modules at university and they’ve made one or two of them harder. Me being successful at music throws me off logic as medication I’m supposed to take has killed my creativity so I quit music for two years. Everything I want to do or should do, throws me off logic. Even waking up on time throws me off logic, as the medication doesn’t enable that.

Some rules basically make no sense, such as the university computer room not being open 24 hours, no one is going to start entering prohibited areas and start trashing things, as there is no incentive to, it’s not a supermarket with food on the aisles. Another one is school uniform, it has nothing to do with stopping people from getting bullied and it’s got everything to do with de-individualising you, the only other time when they want everyone to look the same is in prison where they make you wear orange or if you’re in a service job so you’re given uniform.

I remember some feminist Gayle from Quora telling me about how she doesn’t like having to have different outfits for different events of which she has to wear make up in them. Isn’t that de-indivualisation? Having to do all school work is another example of that. Drugs are another example. Another example is Moodle 1 letting me see some maths modules if I’m not enrolled in them but Moodle 2 does not. I do not think it’s right that an business that spends £12 million building new buildings, should have the ability to privatise knowledge and education, it’s wrong and it doesn’t make any sense to the general populus, and so doesn’t limits on how many years you can have student finance to some extent. Me paying rent and council tax though I’m unemployed makes no logical sense as my older brother works and pays less bills than me.

Having to be civil in every human interaction with even my friends sometimes bothers me as people should have the ability to express contempt even if they’re not hostile.I can’t even think of all the examples of rules that make no sense because we are so used to them that it becomes normalised and we don’t think about it. People don’t even think of the idea that they can break rules with impunity in order to help others. They just think about how rules need to be upheld, when you can break rules to help others and it’s a harmless crime and no one would ever know. This is like when I was 18 doing a first aid course and at the end of the session we only had 5 minutes to learn something, and I was teamed up with some girl who looked like some girl who I knew from school, one of J___’s friends I think but she was tall, I forgot her name, but I had trouble remembering something we had 5 MINUTES to learn, and this girl wanted to tell me off to one of the two staff teachers that I couldn’t do it, so they could help me, and

I told her not to do so as the lesson is running out of time, I kept insisting, but she kept insinsting. She went ahead and told one of the teachers anyway and they showed me how to wrap the bandage on the girl’s arm. At the end of the lesson I was told that I wouldn’t get my First Aid certificate, with the woman insisting that the criteria is very strict (my ass they just want me to pay fees again), and when I walked off, I noticed that the girl was having the same speech off another staff teacher. So not only did I miss out on my First Aid certificate and I got a silly attendance certificate consolation prise, and so did her too, so not only did she ruin my chances, she ruined her own too.

I wonder if she took it upon herself to realise that not all rules have to be followed and some are very arbritary and harm no one if followed and you won’t get in trouble for letting it pass anyway. I had to explain why we both never got our certificates to one of my old teachers asked me why I didn’t get the certificate that a racist white teacher paid for herself for all of us to study.

One thing I think I’m attracted to is crime or deviance. I would have a temptation to shoplift petty things like a Mars bar and I would get a thrill out of it even if I have more than enough to cover the cost. I would get a thrill of being somewhere overnight I would have supposed to of left hours ago. I would enjoy skipping lessons in school more than doing the work if I hated it. I would enjoy not doing work experience in the blind school as a child, but that was escaping responsibility, not deviance.

I would enjoy manipulating others and playing with their emotions, my brother doesn’t think that I can do that, but he doesn’t know how I behave in the presence of my sycophants. When I was in Year 2, I was 6 or 7, when it was time to leave the class to go home or lunch I think, I used to steal one white card each time. Imagine white card, rectangle and landscape, something like 20cm across and 15cm height. The classroom had a shelf with arts and crafts material, and most of it went unused throughout the school year. The pieces of card just lay in a pile collecting dust for eternity. So I decided I would pick one each day as it was time to leave the room. When I got home, I would draw on the card I collected with some form of artistic imagery or something to do with grids, patterns, letters and numbers.

Society isn’t trying to stop crime, they’re trying to stop deviance. There’s no fitting a square peg into a circle hole, even if it could possibly fit in it. There’s so many things that people could do, but do not do, because they’ve been conditioned to not think outside the parameters of the mental boundaries that others have imprinted on them. If you chain a baby elephant from birth to a small plastic chair, as long as you keep doing that, you can keep a huge elephant chained to a small plastic chair, and it will not move out the way until you unchain it. The only difference is that because we have more intelligence than an elephant, that we believe that we cannot sucummb to that line of thinking.

Sometimes the boundaries of what we can and cannot do are mental, and we lack the foresight to look beyond our mental boundaries to see what else can be done. Do you want to know why some people are happier than others? Yes it’s a combination of having a social life, money, genetics, environment, but the happy people do things that the majority of others would deem unacceptable. Most people would deem my mother having lots of orbiters wrong. Most people would deem my brother spending his money badly wrong, but he’s happy doing it. The people who do everything right like my sister with her car, or my anorexic friend who died at 18, who went against the rules by not eating anything for two weeks and not being happy with her actions beforehand, those are the people who are more sad in life, even though they must have been happier than me to some extent, not fully, as my mum says that I’m more sad than a person in a care home who is dying of a rare form of cancer.

Basically all of these things add up, very slowly, day by day, and it contributes to depression, something my brother says I have, and I am trying to break out of these barriers, but it’s very hard when you’re at the bottom of society. If I hadn’t of been bullied at school and I had a wide circle of friends, I wouldn’t be sad about things as often as I do and have been, as I would have been able to apply deviance with them, so I wouldn’t be concentrating as much on the rules that are devoid of logic or the rules that make no sense. “I hate this world” I would say after something trivial happens that shouldn’t affect anyone’s day, and my family would observe me say that and they wouldn’t understand. Didn’t I have a good day today? Didn’t what just happened not hamper on my future or the present? They just wouldn’t get it.

All these things add up day by day, until whatever childhood innocence I did have as a child, is stripped away. I look at my old blog posts with upmost surprise? I’ve been upbeat at times, or maybe I act upbeat but am not as upbeat as people who actually behave upbeat when they do, but I’ve never been a chirpy person or someone with a spring in my step, but I was still described as someone who enjoys life by the observers who aren’t my family, even if I have to sit by myself in class or anything that would distinguish me from someone else, so am I holding pent up emotions in from an observer’s point of view? Who knows?

Basically whatever positivity in life I had is gone and I don’t think it can get any lower, but it does, so I keep admitting defeat and the defeat gets bigger with each failure to act or failed action. The rules that are devoid of logic and rules that make no sense greately add to my dissatisfaction of life. It makes me think that certain people are designed to thrive in certain environments and certain people are not.

All I know is that it leaves me hollow inside and I’m not even sure if I have enough examples, explanation or self aware insight to describe and fully express it, even if I can articulate what’s at the forefront of my mind.

Part 2

I’ve felt emptiness and disillusionment from when I was 5 years old up to when I was 20 and got sectioned for a psychotic episode. What caused the emptiness feeling was getting bullied and not having a group of friends at school so I felt very lonely and wasn’t happy at school, and Mum at home constantly throwing away my papers that I created so I felt I had no immediate purpose in life. I’ve even felt this feeling on medication, but not so extreme until the medication made me feel no emotions and gave me anhedonia

I just had to clear up that it’s a lifelong thing.

When I told some woman this, this, she asked me if I want to be happy or cynical. I told her it’s not about choice, I’ve always been this way so I won’t ever change. I’ll always feel like this.

I was told that I always looked happy as a child so it’s new to him that I can say I always felt this as a child. I said it was like when someone kills themselves and nobody spots the signs before because they looked so happy. Dad disagreed and said that there are always signs if someone kills themselves in the past, maybe not before the act, but years ago in the past. He said that I do not present myself as a sad and unhappy person.

I explained to him that I could feel two emotions AT THE SAME TIME. So I could feel happy and empty and disillusioned at the same time, or sometimes the emptiness and disillusionment was fleeting so it would disappear and come back, disappear and come back.

When I got kicked out of university for not attending my exams because I was mentally ill, I was convinced that I had dysthymia (mild depression) because of my low mood but looking back now, because I felt more emotions more extreme than a normal person would. I told Mum that I needed pills, and she didn’t believe me, saying pills won’t fix you. My old key worker, who I will not name, said that if everyone is zero, then I am a 2 or a 3, to say that I feel emotions more extreme than everyone else. At the time, I was not sure if that was true, but looking back, I think it is true.

In 2013 my Mum wiretapped my laptop and catfished me with my own diary. I found that out in September the 20th 2018.

I was a very happy child, but I was also a sad child, if that makes any sense.

What is Chronic Depression (Dysthymia)

Chronic depression, also known as dysthymia, is a kind of depression that lingers for a long period of time. Read more about this condition, as well as the symptoms and treatment of dysthymia.

According to estimates made by mental health institutes, about 10.9 million people in America, aged 18 and above, suffer from chronic depression. Depression is defined as a mental condition wherein there is an overwhelming feeling of sadness. At some time or the other, most people experience feelings of sadness in response to a sad event or a loss, however, this is usually a temporary state of being. When the sadness lasts for a longer time, and the symptoms may subside for a short period only to resurface again, it is referred to as chronic depression, also called dysthymia. Chronic depression is generally considered a milder form, although it is characterized by lingering for a longer period of time, sometimes even years. Those who are afflicted by dysthymia usually are able to carry on their day-to-day activities adequately enough, but just are constantly unhappy. 

What are the Causes of Dysthymia

While it is well-known that a traumatic or sad event can often lead to depression, it is not known yet what causes this problem. However, some of the factors associated with dysthymia are: fairly substantial levels of stress; an imbalance of chemicals in the brain; and heredity. Stressful situations in an individual’s life, like years of neglect or abuse during their childhood, can lead to chronic depression later in life. The stress of chronic illness, like hormonal disorders, some chronic cardiac conditions, Parkinson’s disease, and AIDS can also bring about dysthymia. According to studies done on the functioning of the brain, it has been observed that a complex system of neurotransmitters in the brain produce chemicals, which transmit signals between nerve cells. Serotonin, which is one of these neurotransmitters, creates a feeling of happiness or well-being. Drugs that are used for correcting the imbalances of neurotransmitters are very effective in the treatment, which is why it is thought that depression may be triggered off by chemical imbalances in the brain. And as far as heredity is concerned, it has been observed that depression often runs in families.
It is often quite usual for people affected with chronic depression to also undergo bouts of major depression simultaneously. That is they can slip into an episode or two of major depression and then get back again to the milder form of dysthymia. This condition is referred to as double depression.

How can Dysthymia be Diagnosed

If you experience the symptoms of depression for over two weeks, it is important to consult a psychiatrist or your doctor. The medical professional will carry out a comprehensive medical evaluation, with particular attention being paid to the psychiatric history of your family’s as well as your own. There are no laboratory tests such as X-rays or blood tests involved in the diagnosis of dysthymia. A specialist in mental health usually diagnoses chronic depression on the basis of the symptoms of the individual. With dysthymia, the symptoms will generally be less severe and have lasted longer compared to people afflicted with major depression.

What are the Symptoms of Dysthymia

The symptoms are similar to that of major depression, only if observed for at least two years in adults and about one year in children. They include:

Difficulty in falling asleep

Fatigue or lack of energy

Inordinate feelings of worthlessness or guilt

A lack of interest as well as the loss of being able to enjoy oneself

Discernible physical and mental sluggishness

Changes in the appetite

Difficulty in making decisions, thinking, and concentrating

Constant thoughts of suicide or death

Treatment Options for Dysthymia

Although this is a serious condition, it can be treated. Dysthymia is usually treated by combining psychotherapy and drugs. Drugs help to correct chemical imbalances as well as to treat the symptoms of sadness. Psychotherapy helps in resolving personal issues that could be responsible for the depression.
There are many types of antidepressants that are used in the treatment of chronic depression such as: SSRIs or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, like sertraline and fluoxetine, which help by increasing serotonin levels; TCAs or tricyclic antidepressant, such as nortriptyline, imipramine, and amitriptyline; and MAOIs or monoamine oxidase inhibitors, which include phenelzine and anylcypromine, which work by inhibiting or blocking the action of monoamine oxidase, which is an enzyme, in the central nervous system. However, all these drugs have side effects and must be taken under medical supervision.
Young people who develop dysthymia often do not realize that they are ill. They believe their symptoms to be a part of their personality. This belief can create a situation where it becomes difficult to change and the negative outlook towards life and their surrounding world can lead to suicidal tendency. But there is hope, patients need not consider life to be a long stretch of pain and suffering as dysthymia is a treatable illness.Read more at Buzzle: http://archive.is/czT2d